What you must know about the book:
It is not my full memoir but the first part of it which stops at my diagnosis. It takes you through a journey of my past written in no particular order and can come across as having no connection to my experience with schizophrenia.
But what I would like my readers to know is I don’t believe in such a thing as a mental illness. The process of this writing has broken me down too often in the 18 months of it followed by a lot of arguments and break up with my family – because many of the memories that came back had to be re-checked and confronted over and over again. Thankfully technology helped me connect with my friends back home. The dissociated style in which it is written came into the picture because I did undergo severe dissociations after 2011 following a brain tumor surgery making it almost difficult and painful to even write.
The memory lapses that I had while on medications and psychosis got uncovered during this process. I also experience seizures which further dissociates me and messes my memory or recollection of people and self. I understood so much about myself, my family and everything that COULD have led to my schizophrenia. The truth is there is no such cause for schizophrenia. No one identifiable cause for it. Not even the gene or a blood sample. Not even my brain. I penned down the multiple stories I have had – from being a survivor of Reye’s syndrome, to abuse, rape, trauma, attachments, rebelling, substance abuse, camps (unheard of in India), running away, death, loss, family relationships, all of which could have triggered anything in a person. I leave you to use your discretion and ask then what could schizophrenia be? Is it me…or the world around me that is schizophrenic?
The book is a start of just one journey I am now taking. I have many more to share. Every narrative in the book itself has a separate book in the making because this is what life is. Schizophrenia doesn’t go away because life doesn’t- hence my persistent connection to the death ideation. I use the word as a philosophical premise. Memories keep getting triggered and keep causing a reaction. With every reaction comes another story to tell and uncover…another path of healing. This to me is the ability of being a ‘Schizophrenist’ – that is a person who absorbs all the meaning around the world by manner of different senses and tries to find meaning in the world she is woken up too which is perceived to be madness or a delusion. If I had not had schizophrenia I would have been dead. To me my ‘madness’ is an ongoing response and defence mechanism to the world outside of me. There is no stand still in the world outside of me. There can only be a silence within me. This too is a part of schizophrenia.
I look forward to your feedback and I shall take you on more journeys in hope that many others start seeing the resemblances that these are all just roads leading us somewhere.
Fallen, Standing: My Life as a Schizophrenist (CLICK HERE) to be redirected to my new website!