I am sitting in my room out of extreme annoyance and physical pain to my head as I type this. While everyone else can be out there celebrating Diwali, or even in their own homes, or maybe they’ve taken a trip to get away from the ridiculous pollution Diwali has brought to this country, many of those like me don’t have such options easily available.
Please remember that October 10th was swarmed by hundreds of Mental Health Campaigns all over the world. This is only for organizations and individuals to feel good about doing something on this one particular day. The rest of the year is not really a consideration, which is why I keep speaking of the irony involved. It is the rest of the year that individuals like myself are experiencing distress caused by others. How often does society experience distress caused by those labelled ‘schizophrenics’?
— Reshma Valliappan (@val_resh) October 30, 2016
My home is filled with smoke, and my room gathers some now despite having been closed. My cats have hidden. My sister who is semi-deaf has developed ringing in the ears. My head is throbbing. After having meditated and done my breathing exercises, I am now breathing all the toxicity there is. Of course I could use my practice to settle myself and calm the fuck down but I won’t because until I write about this, the rest of the world including the Indian Psychiatric Society and other bunch of educated entitled people, including Bollywood, Tollywood and other Woods will keep selling the notion that schizophrenics are dangerous, while some go on to write peer reviewed scientific papers on how we are incapable of making decisions, therefore forced treatment is necessary.
You might not see the connection to firecrackers and what I am stating but if you had the same level of intelligence and common sense as I do, you would. If you don’t, then yes I do consider your lack of seeing the connection here as a sign of your low intelligence than many of us. And I am writing from a painful place right now, so I am going to come across as being arrogant.
Did you know what chemicals are used in firecrackers? The various chemicals in fireworks and their effects – Sulfur dioxide: Causes wheezing and shortness of breath. Cadmium: Can cause anemia and damage to kidney and also affect the nervous system. Copper: Irritates respiratory tract. Lead: Affects the nervous system. Magnesium: Can cause metal fume fever. Nitrate: Can cause mental impairment. Nitrite: Can cause skin problems, eye irritation, and respiratory problems in children (CLICK HERE) to read more…
The only chemical imbalances there are are in the heads of those authority bodies that allow these to be sold and bought & not the ones in my head. Society and those who celebrate conclude that ‘schizophrenics’ are violent and dangerous. But there are only 1 in every 100 and most of us are either locked away in asylums, in our own homes or have consciously locked ourselves up during such celebrations.
Most of you on my list might be tired of reading my never ending post about authority bodies, professionals and my constant repetitions here. But I am still facing the lack of rights, the judgements on being dangerous, the ridiculous comments that others pass. Perhaps I have grown immune to it to some level, but it doesn’t wipe away the fact that many others like myself are yet not being accepted by their own families.
My mom in all her years have today FINALLY understood how difficult it is for me, only because she has been living in another country where crackers are banned, there’s more silence on a regular day, her age catching up and sure enough her recent healing from the gas-‘explosion’ has put her in a somewhat disabling condition. But are we supposed to wait for more people to suffer in order to understand what it’s like for those of us with these extra sensitivities?
How I wished my mom just understood me and my distaste towards touch since a kid when I was a kid and not by her having to have her own skin burn experience to understand why I hate being touched. It has nothing to do with a past of trauma or abuse. My skin cannot bear certain textures and I get super irritated with many types of clothing. Not because I am a ‘tomboy’ or ‘dyke’. I do wish I can wear many types of women’s clothing but can’t is different than a won’t.
For me, having such hypersensitivity even on regular days makes it difficult for me to socialize. Apart from stepping out to school, for any meetings or work, I end up avoiding any other social life because I need to preserve my senses. It has nothing to do with a chakra imbalance.
The past week has been a sky full of crackers and that smoke does stay in the air! I kept wondering what was wrong with me when I kept getting angry reacting to everything outside of my room. My meditations keep me calm and in the present, but the minute I walk out I end up reacting to something. It’s like my brain spontaneously combust. I felt I was really messing up in my sadhana to be acting so strangely and very unlike my usual ‘schizophrenically more than okay’ avatar.
I’ve really been wondering if I needed to speak to someone cause I was losing hope, getting irritated, yelling and wanting to break things. I even visualized myself stepping out and smashing people in their guts. It’s a scary observation to see yourself have when you’ve worked on your ‘no hope’ condition for so long. I wondered what the fuck has really got to me. If I had not invested myself in creativity, I would have reacted just as the same Reshma did in 2004.
Having done a simple google and by understanding how these chemicals affect our bodies, I knew it had nothing to do with my ‘schizophrenia’. I wasn’t getting angry with my mom because I was not over the past. The AIR has been polluted, and it does make you act strange, if you are not aware of it. You might think I am speaking hogwash, but any anti-smoker could tell you how they feel when they inhale any kind of smoke.
Then again you have professionals who somehow yet think the ‘paranoid’ ones can fall towards violence because we are led by some power of our delusions. Read this piece from 2013 here.
US based research does not account to the way Indian society functions and how persons with schizophrenia in India understand their hallucinations and delusions.
Here’s why: “Voices as bombardment’ – The striking difference was that while many of the African and Indian subjects registered predominantly positive experiences with their voices, not one American did. Rather, the U.S. subjects were more likely to report experiences as violent and hateful – and evidence of a sick condition. The Americans experienced voices as bombardment and as symptoms of a brain disease caused by genes or trauma.”…read more CLICK HERE
I wished professionals in the field and our educated society did better research and spend some of their personal time to analyze situations without having to rely on so many contradictory and expensive research.
I wished people just made their observations over this dangerous schizophrenics who roam about the streets and homes. How did we get banned and removed of our rights while these crackers have passed the ‘anti-dangerous’ clause?
How come WHO isn’t making declarations on the dangerous people who sell these crackers and the buyers who play them? Many of them are the culprits who use crackers to torture animals. We ‘schizophrenics’ are mostly busy behind our computers raising our anger, pain, distress, unfairness or something or the other (when we aren’t sedated by our meds). So why isn’t WHO pulling up these ‘dangerous’ people and removing their rights? What are the doctors afraid of?…let me guess, some are guilty towards participating in the buyers market, and treatment for schizophrenia tops the market in mental health since various pharma companies are involved. It isn’t just ‘one pill’ given to us compared to other mental health conditions. Mine was 14 a day in my severe phase.
What is the purpose in playing these stupid crackers? The Gods DID NOT tell us to do so. It isn’t going to scare away the ghost and evil spirits. The only evil that exist are people who wake up tomorrow to hurt others. Their life purpose is built on greed, envy, and how much they can get out of the other. That is the only true evil that exist in this world that no amount of firecrackers can scare away or silence.
Diwali is a waste of money and time as it is with any celebrations. I have always hated them after 2002 and I never could understand why really. Why I couldn’t enjoy life as others did. Why I yet couldn’t enjoy them after having reached this ‘avatar’ of recovery. Because it is all bullshit.
Families shouldn’t need a celebration to get close and do things together, while they spend the rest of the year backstabbing, manipulating and disrespecting each other. Wouldn’t it be nice if families, friends and strangers had a smile on their face all year round and they wished you ‘Happy Day’? Wouldn’t it be nice that the postman, the garbage collector, the cleaner, the sweeper, the average non-smiling non-courteous Indian person just smiles and wishes another instead of having a special day to stretch their facial muscles?
But I must be crazy for thinking that…yet I am sold as the dangerous one?