Be careful of words that fly from your mouth, or finger tips in this techno savvy world of expression.
Are you the charming snake slithering through conflicts OR are you the spitting cobra engaging in unnecessary fights?
All venomous snakes can spit venom. They do this as a defence mechanism, so that the opponent retreats when it hits their eye often blinding them. For the opponent, it becomes a warning sign ‘Don’t mess with me now, I’ve already blinded you’. All animals when engaged in a fight will fight till death. It is their survival. But what is it that you are surviving when you engage in a fight with another?
Are you spitting unnecessary venom onto others? Ask yourself why and what is it that you are defending or trying to protect yourself from?
Is it the person who has hurt you before (which is most likely the case)? In that case:
- Don’t stand erected like the cobra.
- Count to 10…or 20.
- Move away physically from the person.
- Close your browser / Put your phone aside. Don’t pick it up to check ‘now what’.
- Observe the flood of emotions and thoughts accompanying your anger towards this person.
- If your body is getting restless with a dying urge to correct them, don’t. Run, exercise, breathe…listen to music, paint, do something else.
Understand: You don’t need to act on your anger. It is quite similar to having a crush on someone. We often have many crushes but it isn’t necessary that we act on it. We enjoy the thrill of interacting or just being around the person and it is quite nourishing to our spirit. So why can’t we do the same with our anger?
Observe: Is your anger filled with hatred? Hatred comes from a place where love once existed. Don’t deny yourself the acknowledgement of it. It is okay that you feel hatred towards the same person you once loved. It doesn’t meant you need to act on it. This is the part of you that is human and by not reacting to it or acting upon your hatred, you allow your human self (conscious self) time to breathe so that the next choice you make comes from your spiritual self (higher consciousness). Your hatred isn’t the same as love even though you feel it is coming from the same place. You must have asked yourself ‘How is it that I can hate this person so much from all the love I had’
Side-effects: Regular observations will make you feel guilty even on the acknowledgement of this hatred. Such mind talk are: How can I hate them? They are my family. I must be a horrible person for having such ill-feelings and thoughts. No, this person cannot be hated by me. He or she is good.
What now: Allow yourself some breathing room for this hatred. Don’t allow guilt in. Hatred is also a part of the human experience. It doesn’t make you a bad person. When your guilt enters, this is coming from a place where you put the other on a pedestal. Don’t do it. It doesn’t make them a ‘good’ person. This is all the illusion of duality.
In some cases hatred is a sign of rejection, which causes insecurity hence it becomes easier to hate another. In some other cases, it simply comes from a place of having being hurt and taken advantage of. A place of betrayal or abuse.
Ask yourself what is stopping you from loving this person? Maybe a difficult past or that they are just ‘impossible’ to deal with to reach a mutual understanding or agreement. Maybe you just can’t love them anymore for whatever reasons but you are still hurt. However, you realize that your daily living is often clouded with thoughts of them and you find yourself in extreme sadness, grief or unhappiness.
Be smart: You can’t run away from those thoughts. Don’t deny yourself from them. Let them be. It is a meditation but you are being conscious by observing it. Meditation isn’t just about sitting in one position for long hours. Meditation is a daily practice of your thoughts, emotions, reactions, responses, behaviour, ideas…it is everything all the time. Yes it takes time to get there, but it won’t take long if you surrender to your choice of learning.
Why: Every person is reacting from a place of insecurity. Whether it is someone acting out a schizophrenia reality or yelling from a state of breathless anxiety or from distorted identities and memories. Do not react to their version of reality. Let them be. By reacting you are only reacting to your own insecurities.
How-to: Maintain a journal of your reactions. There would be a checklist in your head to things that you react to. Write them down and meditate over them. Observe why you react to these particular ones. If you have a friend who wants to work on their anger, both of you could help each other reflect on each other’s vulnerable points. (There are no weaknesses and strengths here, it is why the word vulnerable which will become your guide in doing good).
Understand: Your human self (conscious self) comes from a place of pain. This part of you will tell you whom to stay away from. This ego state lets you defend yourself from people and situations. It will tell you what you want and how to get it. Watch this self. List down who and what you are defending yourself from.
There are days you find yourself enveloped in a love that consumes you and you seem to forgive everyone and anything. This is your spiritual self (higher consciousness). This empathy state opens your heart and mind to everyone. You end up falling in love with anyone, everyone and everything. It will tell you how to let go and what to get rid off. Watch this self. List down all the people and reasons you find yourself loving them.
But then there are days or moments where you can’t understand why you keep having these switches from suddenly caring and protecting them and jumping to hating them and not wanting to have anything to do with them. You swing between your spiritual self and human self. It is okay. This is bound to happen as you are living in a society comprising of the same confusing energies and messages. Unless you choose to move away from people and live alone, as a human self you are caught between these states (much like the real and the schizophrenia).
But you can’t leave others can you? Your human self is where you love them too.
Observe: Compare notes between your human self and spiritual self. When you make these comparisons you would arrive at a balanced state of realization where you find yourself being able to maintain your ego and empathy towards the person. You can rationalize your reasons for loving them and/or your reasons for leaving them. This will come from a place of understanding life and gaining maturity of a situation. You will also have a fair idea of what you want, how to get it by knowing what you don’t want and how to get rid of it.
Distant worries: In the case of a person not existing in your daily life or in communication, but having to stay in your head as if a nightmare, unpleasant memories, or a past – wish them well!
Send them all the healing, love and happiness in the world. Tell the universe to take care of them. This doesn’t require you to do a ritual or spend much energy upon. It is a matter of a sentence and a thought to be sent out daily every time you are fogged up by the thought of them.
Why? because a person who has love and happiness will not go their way out to ruin your day. Their state of insecurity being taken care of, they will not find reasons to annoy you or trouble you. Insecurity is what breeds the need to feel in control or in power. These come from the place where it was first removed from the person, and they must keep finding ways to regain their control and power in their life without knowing what truly keeps them happy. Hence they begin chasing anything and everything and in doing so they hurt others and themselves.
- So don’t spit hatred or words because in doing so you are blinding yourself from seeing the truth of situations.
- Always try to understand where the person is coming from.
- If they don’t back off and consciously attempt to poke you then it is okay to tell them to shut up or get lost. To do this, you must first be able to observe your anger.
- Do not allow others to spit at you.
- If they have come into your territory, let them explain themselves. If they are talking shit, politely let them know they are crossing lines. If they continue, get rid of them in the fastest way possible without leaving them with room to feel revengeful.
- Wish them well in your head and avoid all future interactions after unless they reach out for help. If at all they continue hurting you even in seeking help then go ahead and spit your venom. Know when you really need to protect yourself!
Note: Spitting your venom is only used when all else fails. Remember: once upon a time you did love them too. Try to resolve situations of disagreements and fights as soon as possible so that they don’t carry forward. Don’t put it aside for another day. These are meant for those seeking drama as their tomorrow’s probably have nothing interesting to gossip/talk about. Unsubscribe from such energies.
©Reshma Valliappan 2016