Sexuality · Spirituality

The CHOICE is yours


Charcoal on Paper, 2016

Original Image source: Nicole Eve Rourke

On one hand lies Honesty, in the other lies Deceit

On one hand lies Honour, in the other lies Shame

On one hand lies Humility, in the other lies Arrogance

Choose which door you open everyday

– Vajrakali




The 3 S’s of spiritual healing from within. Most people don’t understand them because they require definitions and explanations of words.

This is unfortunate but it is because their experience of receiving knowledge has been the same.
However that shouldn’t stop any student of the spiritual world. To blame external mechanisms as hindrance towards learnings is an excuse.
Every person comes from the same seeds of this planet and same systems that have existed over centuries.
An open mind will not come up with questions and reasons to why something can’t work. There is no reason for them to intellectualize or prove. These are seeds of arrogance and pride which clouds one’s judgements. The need to prove anything is a necessity of the modern world based on rights and wrongs.
This need to keep proving comes from one’s relation with the world around where each person will strive to prove another as being right or as wrong in turn proving their own projections of rights and wrongs and keep building up over time.
This creates an air of spiritual enlightenment and one begins living in the holds of attachments to seek validation of constant rights and wrongs even in one’s learnings and teachings.
The world has no silence nor can one demand it. Silence comes from within which must be practiced externally, thereby creating an aura of silence to surrender into the stillness of the next circumference of your cosmic consciousness.

This cosmic consciousness is a circle that is constantly spiralling inwards and outwards throwing the useless and unnecessary knowledge and experience while drawing in what is needed and required for that particular time of consciousness. She is Kali.

A never ending process of awareness in the birth and death of one’s consciousness. But to be aware one must be practice stillness and observance. This cannot happen when one is chasing constant needs of approval and judgement. Duality needs to be ridden of.
The spirit world has no negativities. Negativities exist in our interpretation of rights and wrongs.

The breaking of these interpretations require moments of melancholy and nothingness. A time interval where everything seems to be a standstill or the feeling of going ‘no where’.
It is in this ‘no where’ that one is already there. But the person is unable to recognize this as they are always chasing life. Due to this chase which involves a lot of comparison with their peers they forget awareness. They continue wasting their energy chasing worldly desires and not achieving any of it further causing them anxiety.

The inability to then have control over what one receives causes depression. Out of desperation like headless chickens they begin experiencing suicidal ideations because they now have to settle for things. Their understanding of happiness is now dependent upon others, material gains and money.

This creates another vicious cycle of life patterns they are unable to break thereby increasing the spiral of cosmic consciousness of material gains and egoistic fames which begins showing up as illnesses. Honesty, Humility and Honour gets replaced by Deceit, Arrogance and Shame. Their actions and decisions will rotate around the last three.

Their bodies begins changing as it has to make room for all the garbage being collected which has to be stored somewhere. This becomes a message that tells the body ‘I don’t love you and I don’t consider you important’.
Unable to hear the voices of their body a circumference of illusion continues to grow blinding them.
And death arrives. To their bodies, their emotions, or their mental states. Again creating a vicious cycle as they will now begin blaming the external and victimising the internal.

This inability to practice the truth is a choice being made. Like lightning She will strike as a reminder, waking you up. It is in pain that most people listen and pay attention to Her cosmic call through thunder. She is Vajra.

Surrender. To the happiness that is knocking from within. But to listen to what it is saying one has to be silent. To be silent in body and mind is to practice stillness. Like the Cosmos we don’t hear the stars or the rotation of the planets and moon. Even in their stillness there is a movement that cannot be heard.
These can only arise with true honesty to oneself and to others.

– Vajri

The practice of Vajrakilaya is one of emptiness and awareness, much like every other esoteric school of thought that exist. However, applying the text for daily life isn’t as easy as the language written in. I use my artwork and everyday inspirations as a guide towards applying the knowledge of the practice in various ways. This is inclusive but not limited to poetry, yoga tai chi, breathing, my talks, work at school and everyday life. If you wish to learn the same, you can always book sessions (click here) with me. But do keep in mind that I don’t teach or convey everything to anyone. Nor do I claim to know everything and anything. I let my work speak for itself.

Some individuals are not ready for some knowledge while some are merely window shopping. If you are any of those, feel free to keep reading my blog post. You will find many other blogs on similar subjects that might be of your interest who can provide you with immediate answers to the questions and curiosities that follow your mind. There are no ‘how-tos’ towards such practices as it cannot be simply given without there being a physical practice of it. One can’t just read something and consider it being practiced. This isn’t an industry nor a market catering to anyone or everyone. Those of us who have committed to it; sleep to it, wake up to it, breathe to it, and live it. It is a part of us and we strive to be part of the same or more so to recognize that we already are.

I have now chosen to write more on such as it has become time for it. I don’t write with an authority over the subject nor am I googling and reading other blogs to feed you with the same. There are manners in which one learns through dreams and not books. I’m not the only one speaking of it as there are others. This is my 36th year in a physical body and I am waiting for my 37th year to disappear for a while. But before I do, I need to complete the first lessons of my first birth and suffering before my schizophrenia.

That was the time when I was 1 1/2 years of age where I was considered dead by science since I had to be kept on machines for 22 days. Having been in deep coma, the doctors had already suggested to my parents to pull the plug out on the third day since I had machines helping run my main organs, including one that was pumping my heart for me. On the second week, my fragile young parents were suggested to approach a tantric by the name of Aghor Krishna. Under his spiritual care, my father sacrificed a rooster on the last day of the ritual. To my father’s surprise he found no heart in the rooster. A week later, my folks received a call from the hospital saying my heart had begun beating on its own. [ Rooster’s are used in almost all pagan rituals of sacrifice as they are believed to bring back the dead. ] According to my brother who tried making sense of my ‘schizophrenia’, he said I was spiritually tied to the tantric ever since then as in any such death rituals there is a price to be paid since one is going against the laws of the natural world and letting things be. My brother managed to put the datelines together for the time when I had my first psychotic break. 6 months before that, Aghor Krishna had passed away and it wasn’t told to me, since I was already in a state where I wasn’t comprehending reality. The first time and last time I met my spiritual caretaker and father was at age 15 when I had returned home from running away. I was introduced to my cosmic spiritual mother as Chamundeshwari, the mother of the cremation ground or the one who gave me back. Her idol was always covered and locked as Krishnaswamiyar told my dad that he obtained her from his initiation in Bengal and was used and worshipped only by him privately. The idol was said to have scared anyone else who would have seen Her, hence he had to keep her covered.

In my first book, I listed my dedication to the same Goddess. Though they are all the same, there are several private and personal learnings involved in the worship of a chosen Goddess or vice versa. The metaphor of this Goddess (or any) as a learning and private connection to the spirit world isn’t something that is shared due to such knowledge being used for control and abuse throughout the centuries, including and especially by other practitioners and men.

So what does this make me then?…:

I am Ski the Mime who practices silence for long hours and even days (Vipassana) while communicating to the world using body movement and expressions. Ski often experiences overwhelming bouts of depression, melancholy and extreme grief. Ski lives in a world that is Borderline of Black and White.

I am Vajri the receiver of knowledge that strikes as a lightning bolt (courtesy of my seizures that many have felt energy or current flow to them) and Irakali the healer using knowledge. Together we form Vajrakali.

The direct spiritual daughter of Aghor Krishna devotee of Goddess Chamundeshwari. I practice several forms of Martial Arts not as a physical training but for dealing with life. Each movement symbolizes a mudra and energy play. The dance of Kali is an act of ‘trance’ where I convert a seizure into an energy healing shield. Shakti is then the Raven or the Vulture, the aspect of Dhumavati.
She comes as the spinner of fate. The weaver of time. Removing everything that once was and restoring the old to practice older lessons into newer forms.

My name is then Koru, also represented as the Spiral Path and Taoist, Buddhist Tantra.
As Itara-Shiva, my ice-crystal is a translucent Rudraksha which can be felt as a phallic energy. If you see me in that form, I look like a boy child.

As Hisaivani, another name given to me by a family priest, I instruct knowledge in the form of a pendant or anything that acts as a ‘bind’. I don’t often give gifts, but when I do bring them from my temple visits, they acts as protections towards a person.

My union is the form of Ardhanareshwar/Avalokiteshvara to remove gender and sexual identities which blinds mankind.

As a shaman, I am the jester who mocks, laughs, teases, fools around, and mirrors anyone who comes asking for help. I become them but I leave when disrespected and hurt by greed and insincerity.

As a female warrior, I challenge notions of patriarchy formed in every worship, practice, codes and devotions. Reliving as an Onna Bugeisha the path of the female ninja given to me is not for warfare but for love. I am then a warrior lover.

As Rhumm, I am a philosophical child of Shadow, comfortable in my own skin and accepting of the ways of the world. My friend Kylie is an 8 year old spirit guide.

As Val I am an artist. Stroking all of the above using colours.

As Reshma Valliappan I am an author, a research scholar and a writer challenging all conventional systems through words.

As The Schizophrenist, I challenge everyone on the constructions of normalcy and madness. Everyone sees the word ‘schizophrenia’ as something bad and not to be experienced including those who themselves live with it. I say Schizophrenist because I urge them to rise beyond their social egos and look at the esoteric experience involved in it. I don’t have a problem with the word. Others do. And I won’t shut up.

As Resh, I annoy the crap out of anyone just because I like being a brat and I think the whole world is too serious about everything, including spirituality and all the ‘serious’ stuff I wrote above. I even mock myself.

But I am more or less all of YOU. A reflection. And everything I wrote is left for your interpretation because it might be all just pure bullshit but written in a way that makes it sound profound. There are no identities, names and labels. It is all a game of the ego and mind. One who knows the truth does not need to seek it and will find it even in shit.

The choice is yours.

I leave it to you…:)

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