Of believes and practices

Ever since my mom’s gas explosion my entire family has been on the edge in our own ways. Although as a family we’ve really had crazy amounts of life ‘accidents’.  It is why when those who don’t know of things give their opinions I get extremely upset to the point of uncontrollable rage that can reflect to others and dragon fire them out of my life.

So day before yesterday, I finally spoke to mom over WhatsApp. It is why I had reactivated my WhatsApp account since that is the only communication tool all of us use to be in touch with each other over 3 different countries – including my nieces.

My siblings have been speaking to folks every day. Me being the anti-phone person I avoid it. Also because I already ‘feel’ their pain everyday it gets overwhelming to reflect it.


But ma told me something interesting and not so surprising. When they removed her hand cast she saw a patch around that particular hand that was left unburnt, and she wondered how was that possible. She recollected that I had tied a string around that hand from a Bhadrakali temple I visited. Now whether it’s an act of God for her or a matter of strong faith – that’s her call on it to make. I just say I got superpowers and I run amok like a kid.
On a serious note though, even if it is about mind over matter for many practitioners, we must understand that as humans we are all really irrational emotional fools and much of everything we do is dictated by our emotions. It is why I cannot accept the structuring of any practice or the construction of believes because that truly is absurd in itself. Everything seems conventional at the end of the day where people are dying for a certainty, for a structure, for a way that works, for this particular ‘word’ or label because either one doesn’t suit them. To me it conveys the fact that as humans we are still stuck in the linguistics of everything. Whether I call myself a shaman, a tantric, a yogi, a goddess, an alien, a schizophrenic, a buddhist, a hindu, a psychologist, a counsellor…these are ALL ENGLISH words! So get over it please. I won’t reduce myself to a life of linguistic discourses and understanding because there are better things for me to do…like paint and find buyers ! and then flirt with the rest of the world to amuse myself again.

Now whether one believes in a ‘god’ isn’t the question. But it is about the believe. Mom has always been supportive about my practice in Tantra even if it involves certain things that come across as being absurd to a lot of educated people and those from different practices. For my mom, although she comes with her own set of ‘superstitious’ beliefs or irrational ideas about the way things are – she did believe in what I have been involved in.

So whether the saved part of her hand was an act of protection by the Hindu demonic goddess warrior Kali whom I worship, or whether it was her naturally inclined believe in the same – it is not for me to answer. Those who need to understand and get it will be evolved enough to understand and not seek spoon fed answers.

On another note, when I spoke to another ‘mother’ who was curious about how I saw what was happening to the family, I narrated some inside stories about the practice which I did not write in my book. Her first reaction was ‘Oh, so it’s been in the family then!’ Now the other irony is this ‘mother’ of mine does not fall under conventional stereotyped image of an Indian woman because she is actually of Irish roots but clearly she could see the spiritual significance of many things.

I gave my mother the simplest explanation to her question of ‘why’.

My reply is always ‘Why not? The act of fire has always symbolized purification or the purging. Fire is about cleansing and throwing all the shit out that is toxic. No other element has this strength to cleanse the most toxic of waste in our lives.

This ‘fire’ has forced my folks to move out from their house. Evolution means a lot of things and so does healing. Healing is never easy. It demands serious amount of choices and effort including moving away from people and places that are sucking on to your resources. Healing demands a certain amount of suffering that happens to be recognized and accepted. It demands that you listen to your soul or spirit or unconscious…whatever word you wish to give it. When your soul starts speaking and taking over it will cause a fire, a ruckus, a destruction of things it doesn’t want because it wants to fly…it wants to evolve. In order for it to do so, this spirit will go to any length in making you change yourself including your physical image because as humans we are bound to our bodies of which is the vessel to this spirit/soul/unconscious/higher self.

It’s as clear as fire is. No greys. Either this or endless suffering. Everything is a wake up call for those who don’t listen and stay in their comfort.

Most people somehow cannot see the positive even this. This limitation of their perception is not for me to waste time over. I don’t personally believe or entertain ideas of mortal limitations based on time and space. It is why I am schizophrenic in the first place isn’t it?

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