THE OFFICIAL SITE COPYRIGHT (c) RESHMA VALLIAPPAN. 2017 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. DMAE.
Off late I have been getting sick to a point where a problem finally did surface as a physical issue. This I thought was my own mind creating it. But how did I forget my own learnings and teachings about the matter of relationships? That was how I first healed myself to live with my schizophrenia in the first place. To be able to love myself completely and wholly, including all the darker parts of me that would seem ‘wrong’.
Only when you can love yourself in every way and not feel guilty for who you are and what you do will you then work on changing yourself for the betterment of yourself which in turn helps those around you to heal too. I didn’t learn this in one year, or two years. I learnt this over a period of years always keeping ‘change’ as my focal point and never questioning my teachers just because I wanted to feel I was right or that I knew better. There is a reason you seek teachers out because you do know they know better but they will only teach you so much that they can. They can’t teach you what they have not lived or what you expect them to teach. This is the fastest route to losing any teacher.
I always think of the people I have sought out during times where I am at my worst. I have a very high threshold for pain and stress but when I say I really can’t, it really means lines have crossed way too much. It means I am on the verge of giving up. It means that I have given up.I have told my friend death to visit me so often where he begins acting as a healer. Regular folks confuse this as ‘suicidal ideations’ or contemplating suicide. Of course it feels like it at first, because these are merely words we associate. But the feeling of death is always the death of something. The end of something that isn’t helping you grow.
So I finally reached out to an old teacher and dropped her a message. All she said was ‘Get yourself out of what you go to bed at night thinking about so much. It doesn’t matter who the person is. You need to get back to your own frequency and not tuned in to them’. Then she sends me this article as reminder again:
When I read it, I understood. I saw how my entire year was really spent invested in a lot of people who didn’t help me. There are those who came and served their purpose. Those who taught and fought and left. I have been introspecting ever since another friend-shaman told me to do it after I confided in her regarding my sudden health issues. To recognize who are the individuals who have been sucking on to my energy without an equal return. She said ‘Dear, we might be friends but even you paid your retreat. It is why you valued it’.
Most individuals live immature lives of dependency. We are talking about adults and not minors. There is a pattern in their lives of saviour-hero complexes where they project either one onto their partners, lovers, mentors, friends and family members which is the creation of all health issues that ‘suddenly appear’.
It is easy to recognize your own patterns here. If you fall for their counter-dependency it means you have unknowingly lowered/altered your vibrational field to suit theirs. When you do this, you become open to all of their weakness and vulnerabilities that you will start experiencing and projecting back often wondering ‘Why am I reacting to these situations in a way I never would have?’ It means you have tapped/tuned into their energy fields. Now people’s energy fields are not just their own. It is also influenced by the company they keep hence the saying ‘choose your friends wisely’. You also become tuned into their friends and those they spend time with it. It why even those who practice polygamy out of non-committal issues will carry the energies of those they sleep with and pass it on to another. This was the reason monogamy existed because the world comprises of a lot of irresponsible people throwing their energies to others freely. If they do this with others, they will do it with you too. It’s a cycle that you cannot stop but only they can if they really want to.
Anyone who is hypersensitive with the ability to feel others in their head do have this ability. We get sucked into their world which first makes us feel good because our energy is spread only to realize we are slowly falling sick ‘out of the blue’. Situations will arise where you will have to move away from them but you must recognize why and not hold on to it as it gives them the opportunity to keep calling out for your energy. It is okay when people do this as long as they return the same.
Any person who spends time with you on a daily basis has the ability to influence your spiritual energy if you are not protected enough. If you have opened your energy field to them even if you are strong enough, this emotional cord can suck into yours unknowingly like any womb relationship. It acts exactly as the unborn child who is constantly eating through the cord from the mother and draining her energies, making her vulnerable to all kinds of diseases while she is caring for the child. This becomes your first sign to cut away. It is not an easy task to simply disconnect. Even by merely not responding or not being in touch does not mean the cord has been cut. It is why people have severe fights so that it forces a really strong cut of the cord and both parties don’t look back.
These relationships also exist in student-teacher roles. The reason teachers are ‘paid’ and classes cost is because there has to be value given to the teacher. Most people want things for free (where they can afford it or not afford it is not the question). If they can’t afford you financially it is a sign that they are not ready for you. Even financial gains mean a certain frequency having being attained by the other. It means the person has reached a certain level of vibrational levels on their own to have the monetary value to call you in their lives. People are misguided in the belief that one’s life shouldn’t run on money.
The current state of using social media for networking has also crossed the lines of mentoring blurring the value of the latter relationship. It is why I got out of facebook and whatsapp. Those who are of actual work benefit can meet me nevertheless. But unfortunately, many are using these ‘instant messaging’ as an easy access to someone who can guide them or give them advice. What happened to ‘professionalism’? This sudden generation of folks who think they can pop up on my inbox and flood me with questions about their work, their lives, their health and always feel entitled towards me answering or explaining things to them. How do they not know how the world runs even with their degrees? I never had anyone teach me these but I had to learn it on my own. These are the educated species and I am really surprised by their behaviours. Of course I was stupid enough to respond and offer my services for free because I fell under this bracket of ‘friend-mentor’. Also, because under The Red Door – our work is free but that is why I had to leave and spend some time on my own now to put a brand value to my work.
I realized how I was allowing many of them to use me and they didn’t even know it. Even having to say ‘use’ would make them feel hostile which is another problem in itself. To them I really must say, if you can’t afford me stay away. There is a value needed in every relationship. Including that of siblings and families. Unfortunately, families don’t practice these. Parents ‘give’ to their children because of manipulative tendencies existing on both sides waiting for them to grow up to return these favours. By then someone has fallen sick.
Instead it has to be an everyday process. This parent-child relationship also needs to be valued for time and space. I see how my father did practice that with me the day he said ‘As long as you live under my roof you do as I say until you can earn and pay to run the same roof above you’. So I did get out to learn my lesson because I knew he was right. I couldn’t be holding my ego and expecting him to pay for my fun and life, if I wasn’t doing the same for his. I did fumble many times along the way but I had to give him his equal share of my life to which he did pay for. This is why there’s so much of relationship issues in the real world where people are unable to find themselves holding on to long standing relationships even with their own friends because of this simple life rule.
Today everything needs to be challenged and questioned. On one hand it is alright cause it makes you think but on the other I will rephrase the same sentence one of my coaches told me ‘Don’t be a rebel without a cause’. Even though he knew I was doing something with my life, he said it because he knew I was surrounding myself with friends who served no benefit to my growth.
I have had many individuals wanting to learn from me and even go to the extent of after having learnt one part they decide to counter argue with me and tell me to ‘Preach what I practice’. I gave in thinking they didn’t know any better and heard them out. My one mentor said ‘Everybody deserves a second chance’. So I gave it. And a third. But this is where when you have tried all you can to be kind at first and if they don’t get it the third time you have to cut that cord.
There’s a lot of educated arrogance in many individuals thinking that because your are emotionally connected to them you are obliged to answer them. Because they have placed a pedestal on you you are supposed to teach them. But when you do ‘scold’ them and point their mistakes out, they suddenly remove you from the same pedestal and begin criticizing and insulting you. They will go to the extent of pointing your mistakes out too. I have had such individuals and I realized what a mistake I made by letting them have the upper hand always because I am such an emotionally sensitive idiot. These are the kind of students I will now never take. Yes, I have learnt something from them. To recognize who they are and not invest in them anymore.
They have personally questioned me at every level, including my teachings and my life. They have consciously chose to judge me based on everything I am, my writing, my work when I make a mistake. They wouldn’t even recognize their egos coming to play when I do point it out and it becomes a duel of them knowing better than me and how they are always right. They cannot understand when I can be right about a situation or a way. Isn’t that why you sought me out in the first place? Because I did know something better? But I also came with my own flaws and weaknesses since I have human form. I actually question their intelligence and the kind of education they have been privileged to have. It hasn’t served me one bit. In writing this, I am going to have a flood of some of them questioning me again. It reached a point where I got really afraid to share anything or any more of my teachings or what I experience because of constantly having to explain to these individuals. Everything somehow just had to be about them when it even wasn’t about them. The one time I did this to my mentor, I was asked to get out. One even punished me with severe hard labour over months. Imagine if I had to practice what my coaches did to me. I would end up charged with bullying or abusive teaching. I really don’t know where the line of learnings have risen in today’s worlds. Where just 5 years ago if a teacher kept you waiting for hours, it is understood how wrong you were. Today, the teacher gets questioned for being insensitive, harsh and a hypocrite.
So when I wrote to my teacher, she repeated my own words asking me ‘How much have you paid me for my time and for healing you? It is always both ways. A mentor only takes you as a student because upon the first learning you should be able to give the returns. The reason mentors and guides exist is so that the student will be equipped to do their work for them and not just keep learning and receiving guidance to do someone else’s work. Nobody can just give and nobody can just keep taking. This is selfish.
Most people don’t get this relationship. They think I have also had it lucky or easy. I have had to prove myself so often to my own teachers at so many levels indirectly to even gain their attention and valuable time to even ask them to teach me. I did have to work my way up to advocacy making so many mistakes. Getting called and questioned for why I said or did what I did and apologizing where I recognized it was my mistake. I also stood my ground kindly in front of them even if we had differences of opinions and political ideas. I have wandered off saving money just to learn a particular form of martial art. I’ve spent mornings waiting outside of one of my masters home not sure if he was going to open his door for me and my partner. Both of us travelled long distances and took 10 days off our work to have learnt just 3 days of knowledge from him. I did pay him in money too. I saved up 100,000 just for that. Just for something I was waiting to learn over the years and got rejected by many others. He needed to see how genuine we really were to learn what is passed down to him and that we weren’t just ‘talking’ to show it off to others.
What I learnt from him was the first lesson. “Choose your students. If they can afford you, they will be the ones who will teach it respectfully to others. If they can’t afford you, it is not your problem. There are billions of people on this planet. You can’t teach all for free or you will lose yourself. It doesn’t matter who it is whether it is your parents, your child, your sister, your brother, your best friend, your spouse, your girlfriend, your boyfriend. Teach them only if they are going to pay you because it will never be valued. My master did the same with me after he fell very sick. Now if I teach my wife and daughter, they can’t pay in money but they have to find other equal means to pay for my knowledge. Nothing is free or people forget responsibility and you will die. Forget being a martial artist then, you have already killed yourself for free.”
And now I will choose.