Recently in the past month, people have been asking me if I’ve lost weight and if it is on purpose. My answer was yes and on purpose cause’ I was building back to get my body in shape. Yet there was some part of it which was not on purpose and something I predicted was going to happen in order for me to grow. I also had to make difficult decisions to remove a lot of unwanted energy that was affecting me. Where I saw myself going back to statements I otherwise made while healing. This deconstruction or reversal of my own healing levels ended up affecting me. I suddenly had newer health issues and it had nothing to do with ‘There are is always a first time for everything’ statement especially when it concerns one’s health. This is another social construction which forces us to be okay with illnesses. To allow it to exist in our consciousness.
For me, it really helps having voices in the head which then become a psychosis which pushes me to listen to what my conscious self is saying. Reality and people can and will hurt. As much as it hurts to not choose them we have to in order to stay alive. I forgot all about my own lessons. These voices have been reminding me to be with myself and stop giving time to others. These voices demanded that I give them time and listen to them. But my own ego caught up with this socially given expectation that I am in control of my voices.
The truth is I am not and I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t be in control of my voices. Stop telling me how to recover and how to heal because there is no proof in what you think or know especially when you are not the voice-hearer here nor are you living in my body. Instead, in over 20 years of hearing voices and having listened to them – every time, every single time I have not listened to them makes me pay a huge price for it. There is an order in how they exist when you pay attention to them even the ‘bad ones’. The reason they are overwhelming more than the voices of real people is because they are really trying to get your attention at something.
And so I learnt another lesson today. A lesson that first started in May 2011 when I first started having crazy amounts of seizures and passing out which led to the discovery of a meningioma on my left hemisphere which needed to be surgically removed. It was a non-cancerous brain tumor but it didn’t mean I had it easy just because the way I handle things. I began realizing people take this for granted too. They make you feel like you’re this ‘superhuman’ person by making you feel better about the time you give them ‘despite’ off situations even when you try telling them you can’t. But you are pushed into this ‘I can’ moment in order to prove you can only to discover your body is paying the price of it. Once their work with you is over – are they really there to care for you? No. In fact it’s my family and my closest friends who care. And this means their energy is being depleted too which creates a vicious circle of spiritual illness and conditions when there is no balance.
One of my bosses keep telling me ‘Cause they don’t think you are being serious’. I never found the need to be serious about anything in life because that is exactly the root of our problems. Then again this not being serious trait which gets judged by everyone at face value especially because I joke around so much and dance while talking to others – does make me fall under the same bloody social stereotyping which I wasn’t okay with it. I always believed that those who could see past me and who do know me don’t need to see the serious face. My work should speak for itself as it always had.
When people asked me if the meds I had caused my brain tumor – I said ‘I don’t know’. Because just as schizophrenia means a million heart breaks followed by emotional trauma of guilt and shame, my brain tumor meant no less different to me. My brain tumor was a clear sign of a disrespect and feelings of unworthiness towards the logical and rational part of me. Where I had my own reasons to who I am but it was being ridiculed and ignored. My brain paid the price for not being considered smart according to social norms. A part that was not being appreciated and hence it got internalized at the intellectual level where it began eating upon the same physical part (left hemisphere).
The spiritual and emotional always precedes the physical, said a voice. When I threw a tantrum to the universe and to Mother to heal me – I took up a cause to change the meanings of madness. Where holistic practices themselves needed a different approach and not what is being sold in the pseudo spiritual market. The universe heard me cause I was sincere and worked really hard in quitting my anti-seizure medications to rebuilding myself to be seizure free. It wasn’t an overnight journey of just asking and letting the ethereal do its job. I had to wake up every day and learn to unzip myself and do the smallest of things first, including holding tables and walls to walk on my own I had to put my own effort in my self-care. No I am not boasting about myself but I’ve always been this way since a kid. I took responsibility of my actions and my own doings.
But, one can get distracted by life and its many illusions. And this time was another set of emotional and spiritual trauma which has suddenly popped up as an osteoma near the base of my skull. It is funny how it ‘suddenly popped’ just as many people and situations who ‘suddenly popped’ in and out of my life. The feelings or story I was building around them with me were clear signs I failed to see. I felt it last night after returning from the visa office. I got my younger sister to check it out and then decided to visit my neuro this morning. I had spotted it a week back but it had not grown this fast. So while I was still getting work done and being a support to others – I began feeling how it was only one way. I heard myself feeling used. I heard a voice say ‘It’s only one way. Where’s your benefit in this? Why are you going your way out’.
I conformed to the idea that since I am stronger and at a level of being able to do things because of my self-prophesied super powers, I was indirectly expected. I even took it upon me to ignore my own pain and put others first because ‘I could’.
Throughout several months, I have been ignoring myself because I needed to get things done. But many of these things had nothing to do with me directly. It had nothing to do with projects I wanted to take up that would be of benefit to me. I even began wondering if I was being selfish to say no when people reached out to me cause they couldn’t speak to others. If I was putting a price on helping others. So I didn’t put a price. The emotional expectations grew on me instead. Exactly like this benign growth now.
I was hearing voices but I wasn’t giving them importance. I was yelling at many people in my head but I was yet being there for them. My energy was getting depleted but I kept at it cause I got into this social expectation of having to perform, to be awesome, to keep doing ‘despite’ all that. Despite me reminding them that I really am swamped into a million of things I had to do alone no one really got it. It’s almost like I let them take me for granted because of the way I am. Because I could do so much. And all throughout situations were presenting themselves to me in very passive manners – which I ignored because I thought I ‘had to’.
By just teaching kids in school about passive aggression in sentences and in life I realized I allowed it to happen in my own. Friends who would pass comments and say anything they assumed to be the case. People who did make me feel I was being taken granted for but I thought I was overreacting to it. Now I know my voice was indeed right. The emotion I was feeling was right but I was trying to come to a compromise. There can’t be a compromise because it means having to compromise your energy which in turn imbalances it.
A cancer is called aggressive because our relationships have aggression in it. And a benign tumor is called passive because clearly there’s a lot of passive aggression in our relationships. When I reached my breakdown a month back, my support person cum friend reminded me that I need to be selfish. That I need to self-preserve. That people will use me and want to ride on my identity which they have always done so before.
Therefore, despite the fact my neuro said there is nothing to worry about this growth [Osteoma is a protruding bone growth on the skull bone]. Like one can also have growths on skins which are only removed for cosmetic reasons. She said they take years to really be of concern and if it isn’t affecting me and causing bodily harm, it’s nothing to worry about. In other words, if I let it grow then it could reach a level where it will press against something and I’ll have to undergo another surgery or medical care. Both of which I really don’t like.
Hence, I am refusing to let it grow by removing and keeping myself away from people who practice passive aggression in their own lives. I don’t want it directed towards me while I also play a peer support to others. My work isn’t one bit easy and if you don’t get that – then you have to fuck off. < A word I am beginning to use often.
I have to be calculative because my body is all I have to live in. I owe no one extra time if they are of no benefit to me. If you want my time pay for it. If there is no benefit in our exchanges to me don’t demand it or expect it. My relationship with anyone is just the same including my family members and my parents. There has to be a balance in what is given and what is taken.
If I take your time – check if there’s a balance in knowledge, care, emotions, and love that you offer.
and likewise the opposite. The demand and supply in our existence has to be balanced.
And if I can’t practice this in my own life then the work I do under The Red Door will not be what it stands for.
I’m going to hibernate and do what I need to do in order to reverse the growth and heal myself as long as it takes. In this process I will choose who I wish to interact with and whom I will work with. Unless you are of benefit to me – I don’t wish to lower my vibrations for you. I cannot and will not go back to 5 years down my life because that is not what evolution is. Nor am I interested in being ‘sick’ and ‘cared for’ because I really have a lot to do in life. The world has not offered me any reason to be a part of it and I’ve found my own reasons to find meaning and a place in it with the few people who understand the importance of putting oneself first.
My next lesson is now to be practiced in awareness.