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I’ve always hated flying…well I hate flying inside the aircraft cause it is just too closet-phobic-smelly-close-toomanypeople-sensory overload. Of course I would love to get a seat on the wing outside of the aircraft. I always ask them for that seat but they tell me that I’ll only get one inside the aircraft. So I used my brains & energy picking abilities and figured I might be able to solve the problem even for others.
Here’s how to do it:
1. Recognizing the FACT that there are more people who have flying anxiety than you do.
2. They don’t talk or keep to themselves (those travelling alone). Often women/girls travelling alone fall asleep, listen to music, read a book. Knowing that they keep away from conversations with men for obvious reasons.
That’s where I come in! 🙂 Oh and having crazy colours hair always works! Nobody expects you to be super friendly and funny.
So on route Pune to Jaipur, one flyer had overheard my nonsense argument with my mom’s friend who spotted me at the airport. We were arguing about my hair colour and this aunt said she was going to complain to mom that I am harassing her and driving her mad. The flyer burst out in laughter. Next thing I know she was allocated a seat next to mine. Flight takes off.
She: Where did you get the flight magazine from? (looking at the seat in front of her being empty)
Me: I stole yours. *big grin
She: (laughs – cause she got there first)
Me: I could return this or steal one for you.
She: No it’s okay. She continues reading her book.
Me: (after settling in silence for 2 minutes I get hyper again & take a peak in her book) So what are the masters telling you?
She: Oh, I haven’t got to that part yet.
Me: So then what’s the book about if you haven’t got there yet?
She: smirks. Where are you going?
Me: Well the plane is going to Jaipur but I’m obviously getting thrown out at Gujarat.
She. Just what I thought!
Me: Where are you headed? Does this plane fly anywhere else that is not mentioned?
She: *grins. Unlike you…just Jaipur.
Me: WHAT? how boring. Aren’t you the least excited to jump over Gujarat and try some mid-air Tai Chi?
She: ….and so where are you from?
Me: hmm…difficult question really. I’m an alien. I mind pollinate that’s why I’m like this cause everyone else is so boring.
She: Should I ask you what you do?
Me: Oh a lot of things! I am taking over the world of course.
Rest of the flight goes into all concocted theories on zombie apocalypse, her work on water and collecting bones, and more random theories on telepathy and mind control.
Now from Jaipur to Pune was pretty annoying. Cause the airport in Jaipur was overcrowded with people just jumping lines and security not doing anything. Thrice, I had to tell those queue jumpers that the plane has not landed yet. Added to this was my sudden cold coffee that built up digestive anxiety followed by A LOT of sensory overload AND A LOT of grumpy, unfriendly people who would rather stare but NOT make conversation and continue looking at their stupid mobile phones and then take selfies while trying to grab your attention.
Air Stewardess: I just loveeee your hair!
Me: *small smile cause already feeling anxiety and picking up all the grumpiness around me.
all flyers glare when I walk in and think I am an alien when I smile at them.
After an hour when food is in the air.
Flyer girl beside me in the middle seat: Do you need change?
Me: Nah I think she forgot…and this taste like cough syrup. You should have some.
She: No thank you.
Aunty beside her offers both of us chips and sits back listening to us fight.
Me: Why not? You were trying to kill yourself earlier. This will help.
She: What? No. I was sleepy.
Me: No you were burying your head on the tray. I thought you were dead.
She: You know there is an article in the flight magazine on ‘sitting in the middle aisle’.
Me: (take the magazine, open it – read the article, laugh and put it away) See that’s because the person who wrote the article is a boring person. They’ve obviously not sat beside me.
She: Right. What do you do in the middle seat then?
Me: I don’t. You do. You’re in the middle seat. (chuckle)
She: You’re terrible you know. But I want to learn this stuff.
Me: Oh its easy. See you got good hair. But mine is better. That’s what I tell most people who are willing to make conversation.
After which we both start making chicken and duck sounds & everyone looks back. Some start giggling at us and enjoy our nonsense. Others stare at us with eyes saying they would beat us up if we don’t stop.
Plane lands. We sit while I dance to Air Asia flight music. Every flyer walks past, turns their head around to look at my hair BUT can’t smile obviously. I continue dancing.
Stewardess: Thank you!
Me: This Wild Vitamin Drink taste worse than cough syrup. You guys should stack up on cough syrup. It’ll sell better.
My fellow flyer adds: Oh you should tell them about how they should serve you instead and not serve food to you.
Me: I burst out laughing at her catching on my jokes.