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Last year May, I went on a personal journey (again). As part of my 3 year long oath (taken after my brain surgery) – it was time for another challenge; Ridding myself off those stupid anti-epileptics. This time it was going to be another ‘impossibility’ another ‘must be on medications for life’ another ‘no cure no clue no say’ another…well you know what I am talking about.
The deal with my epilepsy is that it was a scar epilepsy – that is caused by a brain tumour. But post surgery I had a set of other physical complications too which most people with epilepsy don’t really have. I also had photo-sensitivity and sleep disorders. My dissociations grew even more. It was physically painful for my ears to take in any sound as everything would leave an echo in my head making it difficult to really focus on things even though I could overhear people’s conversations. My eyes would hurt a lot leaving me with intense migraines followed by migraine auras and then a full blown migraine induced seizure. Often I would have facial tics and grimaces. These are things one will not see me show as I have chameleon like camouflaging methods like Mystique from X-Men.
My father remembers me showing similar signs when I was a kid – as I did have something even more mysterious than schizophrenia and epilepsy. It was Reye’s syndrome. I was in the 5th stage. The prognosis was even IF I come out I’ll be a vegetable for life living on machines. If you check what Reye’s syndrome survivors end up getting – it is no different than a range of every possible disorders on earth as it affects the brain and liver. Psychiatric disorders are not something uncommon for those who survive. Though be careful – this is not to suggest that psychiatric disorders exist in the brain.
I gave myself a year to find my answer. To find alternatives. To find different ways to deal with this range of sleep issues and seizures that can be caused by even chocolate or reading too much. From regular allopathy medications, added with ayurveda, homeopathy, therapy, change in food, change in diet and lifestyle, change in activities, interactions, stimulants – I tried every possible thing one can think of. I even spoke to people regarding ‘cow’s urine’. I looked up acupuncture, tai chi, yoga, cbd oil, shamanism, meditation, water therapy, breathing techniques, mudras, brain retraining, mind mapping, self-hypnosis, mantras, vitamin supplements…the list is large.
There were severe moments of breakdown that did happen when one method didn’t work that long or my seizures showed up. My internal injuries were getting worse and my body weak. Almost all the muscles I had worked on during my recovery for schizophrenia where I channelized by anger and psychosis into work out sessions – well those awesome muscles were gone and are all soft. I stayed with this bodily change and accepted the image of it.
The biggest danger or fear was when I had to travel for anything…even if it means walking to the grocer. I would always ALWAYS return with a seizure. I had to plan my medications according to my travel and vice versa because I didn’t want to pop them any longer. Eventually weaning myself of frisium and other benzodiazepines in the first few months – I worked towards one anti-epileptic. It wasn’t easy cause more than me it was others who were more fearful. Dad told me to slow down. But how could I? I’ve never been patient about recovery.
I was still having seizures and sudden internal convulsions. They can be very scary to look at and the inbuilt fear they gave me with the pain that came was not something easy to deal with. It was difficult to find a smile on my face on those days. And after they were over I would cancel any plan I had made and rest – working on the same logic of what was told to me.
Today being the 17th day that I finally stopped that one anti-epileptic I was taking I can tell you one thing. Medical science in my opinion is still a hat trick. I am not asking you to follow my foot steps. Please don’t. I do consider myself an alien with superpowers 😀 Or in a more rational statement: If I have survived Reye’s syndrome which is supposed to be a fatal brain disease, and I have been living off medications for schizophrenia – then quite certainly this says the same thing.
Many people have questioned the fact of my schizophrenia. They have believed that perhaps I have never had schizophrenia in the first place because they cannot stand to have their intellectual brains challenged by something not written in books. Some believe that my epilepsy is different than theirs and because it is caused by a tumour there are better chances of recovery. Some think I am a scam in all. That I’ve never had anything. They refuse to believe I have even had a brain tumour.
I leave them to their own conclusions and ideas of life. I leave them to their own constructions…because HOPE is a funny thing really. And recovery and healing is an irony. The real question again is: Are people REALLY ready to recover and heal?
I am not here to make anyone feel any less than what the world outside already tells you you are. Just that – if you really want something and it means so much to you – you are bound to receive it – no matter how much more IMPOSSIBLE it seems. Stop victimising yourself. Stop finding ways as to why your issues are bigger than anyone else’s or why your condition needs a different set of treatments and that it is not possible. I am not asking anyone to stop their medications or their treatment. But for your own sake if healing has come to you then very well accept it and stop sulking about the what ifs and what nots.
I mention my story about Reye’s syndrome only so you understand that no one really survives this. There are no known cases of child survivors who can walk and talk and live functioning lives. To me this is more to me than my schizophrenia. To me there was something in that infant who recovered who needed no intellectual or analytical jargon to know what life is.
I am not bothered by the adjective schizophrenic anymore. I actually love it. I pity those who are non-schizophrenics because the only thing they can focus on is the word ‘schizophrenia’. Their minds are horribly limited. I am busy living every part of it and trust me – in order to really know why I love it – you need to walk the same path of being able to go beyond every possible constructions there are of it and of life…including what recovery and healing means.
Medical science to me is now a proven failure in the department of the mind. I think I can clearly stand as a guinea pig of the 3 incurable disorders or diseases of the brain or whatever the heck they call it. I refuse to ingest anything apart from Ice-cream, chocolates and candies! 😀
My life and health challenges have now stopped. Mother Nature has blessed me in a variety of ways. I am not speaking of something religious. I am speaking of something that is inherently my life purpose. I continue seeing schizophrenia, epilepsy and everything else as spiritual experiences and I am more than just convinced about them than I ever was before after stopping these anti-epileptics. Even if it was caused by a brain tumour these are nothing but spiritual blockages. Energies trapped and accumulated which need to be released.
Medications are foreign matter that further suppress these blockages making them even more difficult to be released hence creating what is known as ‘withdrawal symptoms’ and dependency because of the pain that comes with it. I remember those days when I would see my arm distort and twitch, and my head roll back. The immediate reaction was to pop a pill to stop them from happening. They say that if it continues for more than 30 seconds one has to be rushed to the hospital. So I would pop my pills and wait. Then I’ll get up and continue doing what I was doing before the seizure happened.
But after my interactions with shamans and embracing the shaman in the schizophrenic that I am – I learnt the greatest thing on this earth which only Mother Nature can tell you. As I sat under a tree in my college campus (recently) experiencing a really distorting convulsion, my right wrist curled in the opposite direction and side ways. It would have spooked anyone seeing it. My sister calls it ‘the exorcist hand’. I lived the pain and felt my arm and shoulder distorting. I knew I had no pill to pop and I was not going to do it. So I stayed. All I did was to stay with my arm. I reminded myself to breathe (which is something most humans don’t do). As I inhaled and exhaled, I let my leg have a life of its own and told my limbs that no matter where they go I will still love them. That I will just sit and wait until they return. They can take their time which they did. And while they did my hands touched the leaves, my eyes spoke to the wind, my tongue tasted the wait, my ears listened to the tree…and this is how I loved my body and it listened…and I continue loving it. If I popped a pill, I would not have waited for my body. I would have walked away.
This is also why I have loved my voices from the beginning. There is so much more to my voices but I can’t write them in one blog post – so you will have to wait for my next book.
NOW it is time for my superpowers to develop – because telepathy, remote viewing, scanning, thought intrusion which are apparently schizophrenic symptoms are proven to exist. (Do your research if you think I am making it up)
p/s: Many people with schizophrenia are known to be empaths. That is why my heart breaks too often – I am busy tapping into yours. Reflective isn’t it? 🙂