The past 10 days I’ve been having severe bouts of death reflection and suicide anxieties. Was I being suicidal? No. Not at all.
But if I were to say I’m dying people won’t react to it the same way if I were to say I’m suicidal…though the end result is the same. So I do what I do best. I live through the many egos I show the world and keep a trusted friend who would just hear me out. And often this is all that is required…a ear and not a solution.
My constant affair with life and death is never going to disappear. It’s not a symptom that can be treated. Who in their right mind would treat life or even think of medicalizing experiences? Well actually there are alot of them.
I had a conversation with someone today which made me write this. Before that another person woke me up from a dream where I was just about to get the phone number of a very good looking person. Instead of lying in bed and hoping death visits me in the form of a nocturnal seizure, I sprung up to a living room with two kittens sleeping over a plant they toppled over. My mom was definitely going to crucify me if she hears about this. Thank god she doesn’t surf the Internet or read my blog.
I realized the many digressions I make in conversations and in my life. I’m always jumping from one thing to another. I can’t sit or stand still for more than 2 minutes without being fidgety. My neuro said I have akathasia caused by the medications I used to take. It’s annoying when your body moves involuntarily or people ask you if you need to go to the loo.
I had someone who takes their meds tell me that I should consider taking my meds. What for? I asked. Have I asked you to Not take your meds?
The person was trying to tell me that the meds might calm me and I’ll be ‘more’ focused allowing me to sit through an 8 hour routine.
My reply was pretty long:
Why do you think I want to sit through for 8 bloody hours for anything? That might be your way of doing things not mine. Health experts and trainers are writing hundreds of articles today talking about the importance of moving every 30 minutes at least cause our bodies are getting rusted by sedantary lifestyles. Our rat race lifestyles of cramming everything in 8 hours is causing a range of health issues. What you call a disorder that needs to be treated is what these guys are recommending to ‘normal’ people.
My hyperactivity takes care of alot of things because I found a system that has worked for me. The only reason no one paid attention to such a possibility is because they have already concluded that people like me are never going to live functional lives and we’re an incapable species. Truth is we are political specimens representing how social constructions are made and hierarchy being the only way.
They sit comparing mental illness just as any medical illness. But people believe that you can have cancer and diabetes and still live. Funny how they don’t apply the same logic when it concerns mental illness. Worst of all is they simply cannot comprehend the fact that a ‘schizophrenic’ can have a conversation and not kill anyone.
They advice the former group of people to take up a hobby, visit friends, read positive books, watch movies and go out and not be confined to their homes and their medical illness. Yet when it comes to mental illness none of these logic applies. These individuals are locked behind bars, not allowed to interact with others, not allowed to watch or read anything because apparently it’ll influence their illness and if they don’t take their meds they are forced.
Yet when a person with cancer opts out chemo and chooses ayurveda it is ok. When a person with diabetes chooses diet and nutrition over medical dependence it is okay. When a person with a weak heart chooses to go for walks alone it is okay. It is okay that in spite of the fact that their choices can lead to a medical emergency or death, the social structure says ‘We need to work around their choices and let them decide’. Death counsellors and spiritual counsellors exist for many of them who choose 2 years of life over possibilities a chemo can offer. And this is called a choice.
This is the hypocrisy. Even in stating the medical model to raise awareness – their logic of care, support, treatment options and rehabilitation are barbaric when it concerns mental illness.
There are many people with medical illness who have reintegrated in society. You can see them.
There are very few people with ‘mental illness’ who are in this similar boat but they are all called ‘rare cases’. No one wants to question the possible idea that perhaps there is another method that works and maybe we can invest our time to identify what they are.
But if they did billions of us would not be crazy anymore and they’ll lose business.
The future is made today. Not tomorrow.