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I woke up to a horrible state of existential sensitivity today. This happens when I don’t get enough sleep or rest which I can’t afford to do as I did years ago. I do wish it was just schizophrenia that I had to deal with, that way I could use my highs to complete a 3 month job in 3 days and spend another 3 days dealing with the lows that would follow by doing other stuff. But I can’t afford either of these swings to happen anymore. It’s almost a forced balance I need to keep track of everyday whether I like it or not – I don’t have a choice here. Anything that mixes my balance up can cause a seizure; even dehydration or being extremely excited.
It’s a bit sad to imagine myself being studied by Darwin if at all. I wonder if I would pass the survival of the fittest test since my body would find it difficult to adapt to some situations. And this does not help my deluded nature where I imagine myself to have X-men like powers.
It’s a good thing I have begun meditating but yet I miss the part of me that could express childlike excitement without having to type it out. Being hyperactive in nature, I have observed what happens to me when I start jumping about and laughing hysterically over something funny. It’s a strange sight cause I would abruptly stop and stare, unable to speak or move. Most of the time my sister notices it and tells me to stop as my seizure states scares them all and puts me in bed for 3 days along with leaving me with memory lapses, disorientation, inability to communicate things properly (even if I am typing them) and dissociations.
Several hours back (when I woke up) I walked into the kitchen to look for my cat, then get my cup of tea, and take my anti-epileptics. The latter process takes about 20 minutes since I end up swearing at those darn pills. Then I apologize since I have to take them and I don’t want them messing around in my head. After that, I start cooking up weird scenes about what those pills might be doing with my brain. Then something always snaps me out of it.
Today it was my mother’s phone: An annoying piece of technology that allows you to communicate to someone else who can be located half way across the globe. I thought the call might have been my dad calling her. But the call did not come from across the globe, it came from a flight of stairs from my doorstep leading to my grand mom’s flat right above us!
The phone though was on vibrate mode as she knows I can’t bear even the ring of the doorbell when I wake up. I am not like this every morning. Just days when my sensitivity is unbearable. I could have thrown the phone out the window. But at the same time there was this crow who was constantly rambling at me asking for his morning dose of boiled eggs that always draws the attention of the wandering stray cats who have adopted me.
For a minute I kept looking back and telling him to shut up (in my head). Though that telepathic process failed as he went on talking. I thought maybe I should try opening my mouth for a change and speaking English to him. But that would be far more absurd. Not that it would stop me. I’ve even spoken Latin to a cockroach I once smashed and it refused to die. Finally I convinced the cockroach that if she doesn’t die under my hands, she is going to be tortured by one of the cats who would flip her around and eventually munch on her alive. She made her choice. It was therapeutic for me. WHAM!
There is this one cat in particular with an annoying meow that harasses my younger sister. Now this feline is pregnant and I believe this is her first litter. So she takes comfort in tagging behind my tom cat as he protects her from other cats and lets her sleep in our place and eat his food. I always sneak outside into the backyard when mom’s sleeping or no one’s home to feed the cats and other wandering strays including myself. This feline is called Tiny cause she is really small compared to other cats, but has the loudest meow. I wonder if her part time job is that of an Opera singer.
What I began noticing about her as I did with my previous pets is she knows exactly when I am disturbed or am having a seismic activity in my brain which can lead to a seizure. And she instinctively knows what to do. Now if I did not allow her to sleep on the same bed as me I doubt she would have had the opportunity to help me.
She’s become quite homely these days especially after mom’s friend dropped in the other night and both of us used ‘She is pregnant’ lines at my mom and won her ‘OK’ at letting Tiny be around.
There was this one particular night where Dobby (my tom cat) was not at home and I was having a seizure. I normally can’t reach for my phone to call my parents nor get out of bed as during such seizing instances, my body gets sucked into the bed and it feels like every inch of my skin, muscles, blood, limbs, and bones are being pulled downwards right to the center of the earth. Sometimes it also feels that if there was a sudden let go my entire body and brain would explode and shatter. Each part feels like it is tied to something, disabling me from moving. All I am able to do is blink my eyes…before I go into a stare where blinking won’t happen either. It’s pretty scary when this happens because I am conscious of the entire process and the pain but I can’t do anything about it nor call for help.
That night when this began to happen in my sleep, (what is known as nocturnal epilepsy) I had no clue since I was sleeping! I was already in some weird nightmare of having a demon over my body trying to molest me. It’s very disturbing to be having sexual encounters with entities I don’t approve off. I could engage into crazy thought and imagination but this quite right felt like my soul and body and mind are all being violated. Even if I did have a taste for dark entities and romantic notions of such creatures, I was not in the mood to be having a sexual encounter with anyone or anything that night.
At that precise moment, Ms.Tiny who was snuggled up at the corner of my bed bit me and clawed my leg. It wasn’t a painful bite but just enough to have jolted me awake. I woke up and yelled at her but she was the least bothered as she made herself comfortable by sleeping on top of my right leg. I told her to move and asked her who gave her the permission to sleep on my legs. She pretty much ignored me and I could feel her body weight (which is not much) pressing on my leg.
I lied back as I didn’t want to disturb her. I was way too exhausted to even do anything. As I lay back it took me some time to get back to sleep. But as I drifted off I paid attention to what happened. She more than just saved me. She knew my right leg gets restless after a seizure. She simply slept over it. And I realized what she did. I looked at her and said thank you. With her eyes closed she meowed very silently in reply.
I believe in the power of nature. That of the sun, the moon, the stars, the plants, the animals, the birds and the insects that I tend to keep as pets and then smash them.
Conventional psychology and methods of recovery, whether it be for schizophrenia or epilepsy, or a simple fever or a troubling feeling…it is nature that always has and will have the upperhand. So instead of putting my soul in the care and trust of those with ‘selling careers’ I put all my hopes in individuals who don’t just study the ecosystem and nature but invest their daily lives in knowing how important it is. These are the kind of people I adore because even if they did not have degrees they already know what works.
…because today morning I received an email by someone who shared a personal story that ended with ‘The sun shines everyday, come what may…without asking for anything in return’